one sharp scrape against a cactus: life telling me to pay attention, dammit. but not two minutes later and i do it again.

My first official zazen session last night. We sat for twenty minutes, then did a ten-minute walking meditation, then sat for another twenty minutes. I found my mind much buzzier than during my usual meditation; part of it was just the longer time, I think, and part of it the presence of other people and the attached anxiety: what will they think of me? am I sitting straight enough? am I breathing too loudly? do I have my hands right?


Some of that I expect will lessen with time, if I continue to attend this group regularly, as I intend to do. It has provided a different aspect to my own practice at home, making it seem more intimate and special than it had before. This is how I do it when I'm alone, with my own person rituals and process.


And now that I've started really noticing my insistent ego, it seems to be clamoring over everything I do, until I almost don't want to say anything about anything at all. Middle path, indeed.

i want to comment on everything in order to make it about me. oh yes, i know exactly what you mean. when i was in a similar situation, i... well, i think... i agree... i know... if it were me... this one time, i... and on and on and on. over and over, i catch myself. not because i have anything useful to contribute, only because i get to say the word, i.