"i can see you staring at the sky, undressing the moonlight with your eyes"

woke up angry today.
i don't know why, there's no reason for it, nobody and nothing that i'm angry at.
just angry. just feeling bottledup and antsy and like lashing out.

i'm ridiculously nervous about auditions. my whole life i've been told i can't sing. for a long time most of my friends wouldn't let me - now i tend to do it anyway and endure the grimaces.
but i've always distinctly avoided any situation in which i would have to sing alone in front of an audience larger than maybe two of my best friends.

i think the problem is that singing is always something i've wanted to be able to do, something that i've vaguely hoped i would one day suddenly be good at... and this, auditioning, has become like a test of that.
and i know i can't sing.

i've always hated the idea that there are things i simply can't do. i'm a definite proponent of mind over matter, and for most aspects of my life, my will alone is strong enough to accomplish what i want.
i remember being shocked the first time i couldn't do another rep when i was weight lifting. shocked, that i was simply incapable of raising that bar and those weights one more time, and no amount of determination was going to make me.

almost as shocked as i am every time i discover that i can't dictate to myself what i feel, every time i fall in love when i didn't mean to.