doubt comes pirouetting in from backstage, wrapping me tight in the dark gauze of apprehension. this is a clumsy dance; i am balky and unused to sudden blindness. unused to a blindess such as this, as though i have been spun away from some guiding light rather than simply drenched in a swollen cacophany of rivaling brightnesses. before, it has always been the latter, but now i am left flailing in the wake of this realization: i no longer want to pursue the path that i have laid before myself.

perhaps it is a twofold quandary, a mixing of both aforementioned afflictions. having dilated myself so far in seeing the pure plurality of choices, returning to the well-shadowed trail of scholastic commitment seems confining indeed.

i had a great interview today. the problem is, i don't want to work there. i don't want any of it.