Rant and Ramble

taken out of context, i must seem so strange...

31.1.02

"cloud blood smudge smeared on the sky/it's dawn's roadkill" -ani
amid my dreaming last night, in the mass of rumpled covers that i create out of my bed, my mother was an alcoholic. and she had come up the stairs at three in the morning, drunk, someone was there with me (jason, maybe you? can't tell), and said she was quitting tomorrow, but that i couldn't expect her to quit today because she had already been drinking... and i started screaming, saying that it was already a good way into "tomorrow" (being 3am), and so she might as well wait until the day after, or maybe the day after that, or maybe never.
and then i ran over to my bed and sat down on the floor beside it, and she went back down the stairs... and i think i was crying.

odd. very odd.
  # 13:14
"i have no lid upon my head, but if i did, you could look inside and see what's on my mind" -DMB
seems a good quote for a place such as this.

upon a brief discussion of the matter with peter (and directly following my decision to abandon all capitalization), i want to dig a little deeper into my relationship with the water.
i could swim before i could walk, i've always felt more comfortable in water than on dry land. i don't remember learning how to swim, it was just something i did, some place i went when i hit the water. and the ocean... gods, i miss the ocean more than i think any single person. and i really didn't spend much time there, when i was at home, but there's something in the air, something in my blood...

even in the shower, there's something of that strange peace. i'll stand there in the running water for an hour, thinking, not thinking, getting mugged by new songs or poems or phrases coming out of nowhere... at home i used to sit down in the tub until the water ran cold. just sitting, just being in the water.

my first few weeks on the swim team were incredible. i was so happy, spending two hours a day in the water, feeling my muscles straining and growing. at my peak i could swim three laps without breathing and under 50 seconds, and i was so in love with it. there was never a time when i was unable to do another lap, never a time when i was just too tired to finish the workout.
and then the coach pushed me harder than i was willing to go, wanted me in the olympics, wanted me swimming double practices and dragging buckets and giving my life to this thing that i loved...
and i couldn't. i started dreading practice, thinking of ways i could avoid it, pretending i was sick. it got so that i only enjoyed the first few seconds of each practice, the moments right after the first dive in, when the water was so smooth and like silk against my skin... other than that, i only liked the few when he would tell us to swim a 5000 and leave us to it.

so i quit that team. quit the highschool team. i was still physically able to swim, swim well, we made regional championships... but i'd lost any desire to be there.
and between my junior year and two weeks ago, i didn't set foot in a pool with the intention of doing anything but dunking whoever was within reach.
and then i decided to swim again. no clock, no timers, no blaring start horns... just the water. turn my competitive drive off, audible click, and swim.

i think this is what salvation feels like.
and i've been ever-so-careful not to keep swimming beyond when i want to, not to force myself beyond what i want to do, beyond what i'm enjoying. just swim until i stop.

good.
  # 02:22

30.1.02

I just began delving into peter's page, and i must say i'm a bit ashamed of mine. I'm going to have to start putting more effort into saying interesting things.
Starting tomorrow, i swear.

I'm also changing the poetry page. So unless i get any requests, everything that's up there now is coming down in favor of new, fragile things that have yet to see the light of day. Well, that's not entirely true - what I've put together so far are all old poems that I'm sure some of you have already read, but at any rate, they've never been thrust into the public eye...
  # 19:48
"and resolve to being born and so resigned to bravery" -Dar
Well, so far this is exceptionally much mas facil, so hurrah for that. Life is good, life is good. Midterms this week, but i'll survive. I've got some film that needs developing, all my pictures of the snow and some from before i left. Like in august.

I'm almost definitely moving into the player's house next year, which i'm very excited about. We're getting a snake! A friend of a friend is trying to get rid of one, and turns out Elise is a snake fan, too, so with luck we'll have our very own ball python to keep us company next year. We were going to get a kitten, but one of the girls we'll be living with is allergic. So, snake.
And i'm going to breakfast, for once.
Adiosa.
  # 09:49

27.1.02

Okay, so i'm totally reformatting this because the editor i was using for geocities is a huge pain and i'm tired of it. With luck, this will work better and i will be happy. Its ugly, but then, so are alot of things. Eventually maybe i'll make it pretty. In the meantime, you can find the old page under "archive."
  # 18:23

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