there's been alot to write this night.
bear with me.

i'm angry; at what, i don't know.
i feel betrayed; by whom, i don't know.
i'm antsy and i want no longer to be here. i want my hair back. all of it, down to my waist. i want not to sleep alone this night. i want not to be filled with this strange heavyness that has persisted since morning. i want to be content with being alone for a day or a weekend, want to feel like i'm accomplishing something.

he said that he thrives with an overflowing plate. yes, and as do i, but i've been starving myself lately, trying to meet each anxiety with quiet time alone when what i need is something to do. this is the least busy i've been in years and i know, i know it is why i am so dissatisfied with myself. i am eagerly awaiting the summer... i imagine - fantasize - about waking early to swim before going to the SPCA before going to work.

increasingly, i want to do something with myself, with my life. i want to chain myself to redwoods or protest corporate sponsorship or eat only organic foods. i feel chained instead to the university and expectation, the idea that i must have an "education" before i can be a useful member of society.

right now, i'm torn between wanting to take a midnight train to whoknowswhere with $500 in my pocket and a backpack full of underwear and socks, and wanting to curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep.

the problem with weekends is that they give you too much time to think.