we went on a long bike ride, during which my strange low bloodpressure acted up and left me panting against a streetlight pole, bike overturned in the gutter, face feeling buzzy and vision staticblur.

sometimes i wonder how my body can betray me so. it collapses upon itself on occasion, bursts into tears without my permission, falls down stairs, pulls ridiculous tricks - gets itself sick when i'm upset, or stressed, or hiding something. sometimes i feel that i don't really live here, in this skin. just visiting for a while, maybe, or just testing it at the request of some god which i don't particularly believe in. quality control.

don't worry, i assured him, i only fall over after i stop. it never happens while i'm pedaling, only when i pause to take off the sweater that changed, somewhere, from comforting to stifling. as long as i keep going i'm fine.