a defacto choice of macro /
or microcosmic melancholy /
but, baby, any way you slice it /
i'm thinkin i could just as soon use /
the time alone ani
i didn't get in.
the first wave of disappointment is predictable and brief. almost before my housemates finish hugging condolences, i'm planning my next year. i've been wanting this time off so badly, but hesitated to make plans because if if if i got in i'd be afraid to pass it up. so now, aside from a momentary grief, i'm filled with the exhilaration of opportunity, the quaking hiss of shifting destinies.
do you remember when i wanted it all, everything, this whole world? i'd forgotton that. forgotton that there could be a reaching need inside me that demanded growth and change and revolution. there's a stagnancy in this city and i've fallen prey to it, locked into the routine of class and homework and a deep internal atrophy despite intellectual challenge.
we argued about this a little last year, when i felt him pulling away from me and didn't understand why. he needed to know himself, he said, needed to understand how he acted as an autonomous person before he established a routine with me. i felt, then, that i'd done all my proving in the single act of coming here, threethousand miles away, alone. i think now i understand him more.
we are happy together, recently more than ever. tonight we celebrate a year and four months, and i am thankful every day that he is in my life. but at the same time, i'm looking forward to a year away. a year alone. a time to take inventory of myself, to write, to explore this person i somehow seem to be becoming. i look forward to defining myself, to myself, and then coming back and redefining us. and i do plan to come back.
i'm a little bit afraid that i'll go away and do something amazing, and won't want to come back to school. i've had to force myself into enjoying my classes for the past year, and while i think that's a lot to do with drexel, it's also my state of mind. i'm hoping that my year off will allow me to regroup, realign my values, and come back able to devote myself, fully, to learning. i want to be learning, and i want to continue my education at least through its "final" two years. but i know the knowledge i'll gain in the next year might seem more authentic than the study even of toni morrison and buddhism and the putting of words onto a page.
so, then. a year off; a year away. where shall i go, and why?
i didn't get in.
the first wave of disappointment is predictable and brief. almost before my housemates finish hugging condolences, i'm planning my next year. i've been wanting this time off so badly, but hesitated to make plans because if if if i got in i'd be afraid to pass it up. so now, aside from a momentary grief, i'm filled with the exhilaration of opportunity, the quaking hiss of shifting destinies.
do you remember when i wanted it all, everything, this whole world? i'd forgotton that. forgotton that there could be a reaching need inside me that demanded growth and change and revolution. there's a stagnancy in this city and i've fallen prey to it, locked into the routine of class and homework and a deep internal atrophy despite intellectual challenge.
we argued about this a little last year, when i felt him pulling away from me and didn't understand why. he needed to know himself, he said, needed to understand how he acted as an autonomous person before he established a routine with me. i felt, then, that i'd done all my proving in the single act of coming here, threethousand miles away, alone. i think now i understand him more.
we are happy together, recently more than ever. tonight we celebrate a year and four months, and i am thankful every day that he is in my life. but at the same time, i'm looking forward to a year away. a year alone. a time to take inventory of myself, to write, to explore this person i somehow seem to be becoming. i look forward to defining myself, to myself, and then coming back and redefining us. and i do plan to come back.
i'm a little bit afraid that i'll go away and do something amazing, and won't want to come back to school. i've had to force myself into enjoying my classes for the past year, and while i think that's a lot to do with drexel, it's also my state of mind. i'm hoping that my year off will allow me to regroup, realign my values, and come back able to devote myself, fully, to learning. i want to be learning, and i want to continue my education at least through its "final" two years. but i know the knowledge i'll gain in the next year might seem more authentic than the study even of toni morrison and buddhism and the putting of words onto a page.
so, then. a year off; a year away. where shall i go, and why?