i'm tired of leaving.
i'm tired of saying goodbye.

i want to hold still, i want the world to stop spinning for one goddamned moment so that i can collect myself and blow my nose before i have to tear it all down again, before it all comes crashing down again and put into little neat boxes with printed labels that i can lock up and send before me until i get on one more airplane and leave the only thing that makes me want to stay. i have little love for this city or this school but i'd rather remain than leave again. and i know that the time between is short and that what flies between us is stronger than mere months and i know we are each stronger than that distance as well, but it seems like every time i turn away, something beautiful dies. i don't want the silent airplane ride home. i don't want to leave.

pms is not a good accomanyment to high stress and being alone.

i know i have to go, i even know that i should. i want to go home, and i don't want to stay here. i just can't stand the thought of leaving. if i could somehow flip my life from a dorm in phiadelphia to a room in california without the moment of transition, the whole thing would sit much more nicely with me.