now it's funny because i hardly get stage fright any more, as an actress. once i'm on stage, the character takes over and i myself am no longer present. maybe that's the difference, because i sure as hell get scared before a slam. the crowd is amped, the person before me always gets some unheard-of score, they mispronounce my name, and then there i am, spotlighted, with this poem that thank god i have memorized because then they can't see how hard my hands are shaking. how hard i'm shaking, all over. except my voice, for which i suppose i owe thanks to the actress bit, and i can fill a room pretty well, and i don't do the rocking-back-and-forth thing while i read (as far as i can tell, at least) but goddamn but do i get nervous. my gut gets cramped and ucky and i get all sweaty and flap my hands alot. it's better once i begin, but i don't really lose myself the way i can in a play. it's all too me. but i suppose that's the good of it - and tonight i lost to a bunch of amazing and incredible and otherwise mind-boggling poets who i am proud to have lost to, and on monday i'm gonna do it again. this is my new favorite thing in the world, and i feel so fucking lucky to be able to participate. if you're on the left coast, come to SF on monday and see me. it'll be awesome, i swear.

here's about me and responsibility: when i feel competent about something, i am more than willing (and in fact, sometimes embarrassingly eager) to be responsible for it. if i feel i am more competent that the person currently performing said task, i tend to get antsy and even pushy until i am given control. i love being in charge of things i know how to do - swimming lessons, basic gardening stuff, bookbinding, grocery shopping and feeding the dogs even. it pleases me to have control over things i can adequately and effectively control, especially when that means that i'm making someone else's life easier/better. at work, this includes everything having anything to do with the register or the espresso bar. it does not include ordering produce, coffee, aprons, and sodas, or explaining to my co-workers why their tips are so low this week. those things lie outside my realm of comfort and competency, which brings us to point number two: if i do not feel competent in what i'm doing, i am absolutely terrified of holding a position of responsibility. babysitting falls under this category, as does most of the entirety of my other job (in which i always felt like i was just playing at being a grown up event planner and would sooner or later be found out for what i was: just a girl with really good organizational skills and enough cleverness to get me by).


so for the past three days i've essentially been the manager at work, a job for which i've not been trained. it isn't anything i'm not capable of doing, it's just all new and i'm not sure i know everything that's supposed to be done. when the coffee guys came by to see why we hadn't ordered anything this week, i felt panicked all out of proportion to the situation. i could see how much coffee we had left, and i have a pretty good idea of how much we go through... but i don't know, i didn't know with certainty what to do and i really very much hate that a lot.


accordingly, these past few days have been way more stressful than they should have been. getting up at six when i'm used to ten doesn't help, nor does a ten-hour day and the resulting fact that i didn't get to see matt hardly at all this week. we spent my two-hour break between shifts just sitting on the grass yesterday, and that little bit of warm quiet was better than all the espresso i'd had all day. today i'm taking a nap before going back, i plan to drink a ton of tequila saturday night, and sunday i expect i won't get out of bed all day unless it's to walk to the market for strawberries. hopefully next week my schedule will go back usual and i'll remember to wear my comfy shoes.

this week i work double split shifts, opening and closing, but the weekend was worth it. i didn't think i'd have labor day off, but i did, and we went to the beach and barbecued, the way it should be. just before sunset the clouds cleared out and the sun fell warm, and tim's three-day-guinness-marinated tri-tip smelled like heaven. we'd brought mangoes and he had cherries, and we grilled them, too, and they were heaven. the mangoes carmelized and we poured lime juice on them; the cherries exploded hot delicious in your mouth and we held our hands under our chins to catch the juice then sucked the pits dry. a splash caught my eye, and we spent some twenty minutes watching dolphins carousing in the waves. twice, as the swell just began to crest, and the setting sun lit it from behind, i watched the silhouette of a dolphin for a perfect moment suspended in the water. we had incredible portobellas and cheez-its and sand, felt the sun on our faces, built a bonfire and watched the water turn silver in the dusk. came home smelling like smoke and contentment, and i dreamt of swimming and cherry pie. worth it, indeed.